What fascinates me about illness is that I close in on myself & feel survival mode envelop me. What I don't feel like doing I don't do, & I stop doing things that I perfectly well could but just won't-- don't wanna. I slept & read, did Sudoku's, listened to the radio, watched videos, & squeezed in a few outings.
The heating pad was my friend & comfort.
And my god, George had to pick up slack! Me empty trash, run the washing machines, cook? All that could wait. I didn't mind if anything piled up. I didn't mind even not eating much, wasn't hungry anyway. He was good-natured and at times worried about the roller coaster of now better/now worse.
I found our medical system wanting: I couldn't get time with my family doctor who is fully booked through January. (Actually she was in Africa!) Ridiculous. And neurological consult was clearly not going to materialize.
I think the cocoon of self-protection, self-isolation, & self-preoccupation is cracking open. It's been a roller-coaster, now better/now worse. And now feeling better.
I became quite fascinated with my own cocooning: what I did & didn't do; what I couldn't & wouldn't do. Mostly I read, did Sudokus, listened to the radio, watched videos, napped, & took baths. The hot pad was my friend. Mostly I didn't cook, do dishes, or laundry, empty trash or tidy up after myself. There is a zone, clearly marked in the living room where you can see I hung out.
And there were lots of things I could have done but didn't: didn't wanna, wasn't gonna.
George was a brick & took up the slack, & felt unnerved a few times.
One of my brainstorms was to map out the numb zone on my arm. With it Erica & I found the exact nerve involved by looking in her anatomy book. I have been trying to come up with an image that sums up my cocooning & shutting out the world. I couldn't find any! I reviewed many. Not even pictured of sleeping babies did I have, that pretty well summarize self-centeredness and being taken care of.
That's it for today.
No comments:
Post a Comment